Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Guest Lectures

While the concept of the guest lecture is not exactly a quintessential aspect of the college experience (the young persons equivalent of getting chucked out in the woods by Spartans and having to survive an entire winter half naked killing creatures that no longer exist) the mere existence of guest lecturing confirms that it is one of the premier false interests of young people all over the globe.

This "all over the globe" notion is really important when talking about guest lecturers, because many of them hail from and/or talk about an experience a country you will likely never go to.

Guest lecturers are rampant in the University or College. It is vital to make this distinction between colleges and universities when talking to the young person who attends college, as universities are often evil and infested with people who listen to hit music, watch sports, and have never heard of Robert Lanham.

Many schools have lecture funds, which pay exorbitant amounts of money to have famous people speak for about 90 minutes, although many of these famous people are only known by about 2% of the entire campus. Usually these people have some sort of scholarly thing which they have published, likely about world peace, self-discovery through seeing things that are so bad they have to tell you how bad they are at least 58 times during the course of the lecture, or a philosophical topic that you could have probably come up with but was talked about using big words.

Young people at the university or college attend guest lectures mostly because they know it is very important that other people think they are "really passionate" about their studies. This is especially true if the young person is majoring in something un-useful, more commonly known as the liberal arts.

Attending guest lectures will make it seem like the young person's decision to major in germanic tribal studies with a minor in dance sociology was a good use of the $200,000 dollars their parents spent for them to attend the university or college, because attending guest lectures means that they are going "above and beyond" expectations by having academic interests outside the classroom.

While this liberal arts major may attend guest lectures, it is classified as a false interest because it is more likely than not that this kind of young person will not actually attend the lecture, citing "wanting to, but being too busy."

This strategy is highly advantageous, as it enables the young person to appear like they are very interested in guest lectures and their academic fields without actually having to sit through 90 minutes of some guy with an unbearable monotone talk about things nobody actually understands or reads about but pretend to know about because it is embarrassing not to know such things when attending this person's guest lecture.

Furthermore, the young person who was "being too busy" must have been doing something really important, otherwise they never would have missed the guest lecture in the first place. This in turn, makes that particular young person really important, which is one of the foremost ways to be accepted in to young person society.

For the young person majoring something un-useful, talking about the 12 guest lectures they wish they attended in the past four months but didn't have the time to is especially useful when dealing with non-young people, who believe that caring about school and academic related things will automatically lead to future success, even though this type of young person is significantly less likely to get a job that pays over $30,000 than the finance major who has a 2.6 GPA, zero desire to ever attend a guest lecture, and liver cirrhosis.

If you have never previously liked guest lectures but wish to pursue this false interest, please consult those e-mails your school sends you that you've never read. If you are no longer in school, google "leading foreign policy experts," and find one who you have never heard of, but has published something recently. When talking about this person, make sure to mention Wikileaks.


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