Sunday, March 27, 2011

Community Service

The young person doesn't dislike community service. That's just straight up heartless. No autotune involved.

It is more the act of community service that the young person pretends to like, as it is often extremely unnecessary and contrary to the beliefs perpetuated by that staples button. When performing community service, all young people are required to tell everyone they know about this "truly inspiring" initiative of theirs. This is done primarily for three reasons:

1. To let other young or old people people know how much they care about helping others. This is huge.

2. To make the other young or old person feel bad for not caring about others as much as them. This strategy is often tremendously effective, as an impending sense of guilt and worthlessness forces other young or old person to donate food or money. If they don't, they are just another one of those heartless republicans who once said something positive about George W. Bush while killing puppies.

3. Potential employer: "Wow, you organized a marathon that raised $40,000 to build homes and provide clean water for a desolate area in a village that must be really poor because of its exotic spelling? Gosh, we need a humanitarian like you so that it we can put that on our website. Then people will think our employees are well-rounded."

There is an elite group of young people who actually are heavily invested in community service projects, and they should be lauded and appreciated for all their hard work. The majority of young people however, do not fall into this category even though they have convinced themselves that they do.

A good example of this false interest in action is your typical high school or collegiate food or clothing drive, an event which the majority of young people have participated on approximately 1-4 occasions. At such an event, there will often be a group of 6 or more individuals milling around to promote the cause. There cannot be less than this, as it dramatically reduces the urgent need to build parks and schools in a place no young person at the drive has actually been to out of sheer fear and/or logistical impossibility.

At such food or clothing drive, the leader of the group will likely be handing out stacks of flyers in 8 different colors, will be enthusiastically telling people about the cause in detail, and will exhibit a number qualities of being a good person. As the outlier of the group, this young person genuinely cares about the cause they have worked hard to promote.

If you are this breed of young person, you must be careful to pretend like you don't care every once in awhile. It is crucial to insert a "ugh, I'm so tired" here and there, as this will prevent your peers from unconditionally hating you for making them look bad and/or being superhuman. You get extra points here for being snide or dissing an authority figure that you both know.

Overall, most young people at this food or clothing drive will generally just sit there and text their friends that aren't there while occasionally veering off from their friends that are there to hand out flyers. Out of the three times per hour the young person does this, two of them will likely be half-heartedly. This sometimes due to hangover.

While these young people understand and appreciate their favorable place in society and thus do not outwardly resent their presence at the event, they would gladly give $20 to the cause instead. This way, the young person doesn't have to feel guilty for talking to their friends for three hours instead of handing out flyers. Besides, it's cold outside.

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